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November 15, 2016

Match Series: Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You... #onlinedatingadventures

 

When it comes to the stage of getting to know someone in terms of dating, there are a few things that I want to know right away versus allowing time to lay it out for me. I'm just not the type of person who wants to take chances when it comes to important things.

See, I hold time as something that's almost sacred as one can't take it back, I believe it's one of the most valuable things we could ever invest on someone so if from the beginning it's clear that something isn't going to work because of fundamental differences, I suggest you cut ties with that person before you get too emotionally involved regardless of chemistry.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.


So let's save ourselves from disappointment and let's not expect them to change to conform to us.

Back to my non-negotiables, here they are without further ado:

  • Motherhood. The dude who wants to date me should know and be okay that I'm a mom & will always be one no matter how old my child gets. And if he wants to be part of my life, he should know and be respectful of my relationship and responsibility to my child.

  • Family. I once dated someone who, unfortunately, didn't grow up with good family ties. Not his fault, but once we started dating and he saw how close I am to mine, this threatened/intimidated him and caused a lot of arguments to the point where he started creating boundaries and doing things with hopes that I would distance myself from my family. Operative word: dateD

  • Faith. I don't consider myself religious nor do I require my partner to be, but I can't date a guy who doesn't believe in a higher power or worst, would ridicule my faith. I don't care what he calls his supreme being, I just think that someone who doesn't believe that that there's something or someone greater than him is not only arrogant but also (from experience) often incapable of empathy.

  • Ambition. Yes, I'm the type who asks the interview question pertaining to short & long term goals. Not only does this give me a feel of this person's emotional availability (long-term v casual), it's also indicative of this person's motivation and if he has any drive.

  • And then there's sex. If the dude is trying to get it on from the get-go I'm gone in 60 seconds or less only because more often than not, it's the only thing that dude's after. But if that's what YOU want then go for it.


I'm all for compromises but I will not bend these fundamental issues for someone. My family, faith, & future is important to me and if we're too far apart in the spectrum then I don't see how it's all going to work.








Talk Supe


11 comments:

  1. I was very grateful to having a parent that thought in these terms and forced me to really consider what my non-negotiables were before I entered the dating scene. It really helped to have a blueprint before my emotions or sexual attraction came into play. I agree whole-heartedly with your decision to get these out on the table up front and figure out if additional time is worth it. Certainly saved me a few times when I did it with my dates.

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  2. I completely agree, Braine. We don't like to waste time with a book that's not working for us...why would we waste time in a relationship that isn't or will not work for us?!? All your non-negotiables match mine, or what mine would be. It's interesting about the guy you dateD trying to make you distance yourself from your family. I am from a broken home and although I have a strong bond with my family (half of it anyway) it was very important to me that the guy I dated come from a "whole" family. I don't know that it would have been a deal-breaker had he not, but I married a guy whose parents were married for 40-something years. Anyway, thanks for sharing your adventures girlie!

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  3. The older I get the worse wasting time becomes. Great post Braine!

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  4. Check check and check. All are important in establishing a good, strong relationship. It is also important to form a strong friendship with your siginificant other because once the sex and attraction burn out a bit, there might be nothing left to stand on. Great post, Braine.I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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  5. The guy with family issues sure had issues. He should have been happy that u were close. His loss

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  6. Those are all great points and I'm glad you know what you value, please don't change that! <3 And wow to the guy that was intimidated by your family connection. That's freaking nuts.

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  7. These are all good standards to have. It has been a long, long, LONG time since I dated, but having girls I realize the frustrations. My hope is there is someone out there wanting exactly what you want.

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  8. They are all good points Braine. I would think that I'd stick to them if I were to date again (but I'm happily married, but I know where to come if it ever changes.)

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  9. I think it is a great idea to get the deal breakers out on the table quickly. I agree with you that time is a limited resource to all of us.

    Melanie @ Hot Listens & Rabid Reads

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  10. At a certain age it's definitely good to know what's important to you and a deal breaker. With ya on that.

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  11. I do think that some topics are just too big to disagree about and it's sometimes better to know something up front. Good that you know what are deal breakers for you and hopefully it makes dating a bit easier.

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