Hey Supies, what's up?!
I've been in and out of the blogosphere (in case you noticed) because adulthood is hitting me hard lately. My reading has fallen to the wayside, 16 books behind my Goodreads goal *gasp*, and fiction has ceased to be an escape for me. So many things have happened, happening, and will happen, that it's now become overwhelming I want to take a vacation from myself!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not griping about these challenges because I asked for a lot of these bumps. Well not specifically, but I did ask the Universe for change, and because someone or something is listening, it decided to grant my wish and test me on so many levels at the same time. And so here I am, riding the wave and this short of losing my mind! Whoever said be careful what you wish for wasn't kidding.
Going back to my issues, I just realized that my 30's has been this one long existential journey for me. On the outside, you can say that I'm at my lowest based on society's standards of where I should be at my age. And I'm not even going to deny it, the superficial aspect has been a point of insecurity for me for sure. But in my moments of clarity, I realize that like my 37yo self versus the 30yo me. Trust me when I say that I was such a c**t back then with a chip on my shoulder the size of Everest. The worse part? I wear the Big Bad Bitch badge with pride!
Then it all came to a head and I'm happy I was lucid enough to see that I dislike this person I've become. And so I decided to change shit minus the careful planning and so I ended up with this huge life goal and a big mess to untangle which has now become Herculean. But I've come this far, done a lot of work, done my fair share of crying, emoting, and shit and giving up is not an option for me at this point. *Carry on*
You know in movies where things are just going crazy before the resolution/HEA? I feel (heck, I hope!) I'm on that part of the story now. I feel so weary, emotionally spent, and mentally exhausted by this process I believe I've developed serious anxiety. For the past week or so I've been battling with myself, making a conscious effort to calm the fuck down because I've been so anxious!
I know I'm not alone in this, I've mentioned this on Facebook the other day and some of you gave me some tips (thanks, everyone!). Meditation and exercising helps, but the relief is temporary, the upside is I'm now working out a lot more so at least I'm losing a few lbs.; alcohol helps but I don't want to be an alchie so I'm doing that only when all else fails; prescription drugs isn't my thing; and someone suggested sex, LMAO, now where do I find myself a hot f*ckboy...